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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? ...

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"

Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

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How is a woman like a condom? ...

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

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Whats the difference between a viola and an onion? ...

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a viola.

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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly ...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,

"Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer and watch this!"

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Chuck Norris was the first one to Mars, thats why there are no signs of life. ...

Chuck Norris was the first one to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life.

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What do you call a sheep with no legs? ...

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, ...

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a ...

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.

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Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? ...

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?

Because it was an early bird!

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Yoda of Borg, I am. ...

Yoda of Borg, I am. Grammar irrelevant is. Assimilated you will be!

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